Cleaning, while not an actual replacement for medication, sure does help with the anxiety. That said, I sort of want to police which rooms, areas, and things my husband and pets touch/go into/get near, mostly because, “I just cleaned that! Get out! Go away! Leave me and my hard water stain removers alone!”
I just keep telling myself that I have to make it through tomorrow, and then I’m done. Tomorrow evening. Honestly, I just have to make it to about 7pm (at the latest?) and then I’m done; I can come home and just… be.
It’s been a hard and stressful couple of years, and I had been telling myself that I just needed to graduate and that everything would be okay, but the truth is that everything didn’t just come out okay. Sure, I graduated and that’s fantastic, but for the past couple of months I’ve been trying to put my life back together, and I’ve constantly questioning myself whether it was worth it or not.
I have friends that have gone their own way; after all, two years to finish up a degree is a long time, and people were bound to go off and do their own things. I wasn’t really expecting anyone to stay around and wait to hang out with me, I know that things change; I guess I just wasn’t really aware of how strange things would feel now. We’re all different now and we’ve all changed just don’t really hang out anymore like we used to. That’s to be expected, and I’m okay with it, really I am. I mean, it’s crazy to think how much time it’s been taking me to put things back together (artistically speaking) to the point that I’m sort of busier now than when I was in school.
I also have hobbies that I’d left by the wayside, especially in this past year. I’ve played guitar maybe a handful of times, and bass even less than that. I’ve not done any drawing or painting for the pleasure of it, and it’s been about a year since I last sculpted (not counting classwork). I can’t remember the last time I put a puzzle together, or sewed something that wasn’t a rushed repair http://typodmary.com/wp-admin/post-new.phpjob. I haven’t gone hiking or camping, and I haven’t gone for any long walks where all I did was listen to music and just wander where ever my feet would take me.
And I hope you don’t think I’m complaining, because I’m not: I made these choices to concentrate fully on school to the exclusion of almost all else. I’m just trying to catalog where I’m coming from.
Probably the change that has bothered me the most is my aikido. I’ve never really been good at aikido, and while I’ve joked in the past that I’ve stuck with it because it’s hard, it’s not really that much of a joke. There are times when I do aikido because I can’t stand the thought of giving up on something “just because it’s too hard.” Even when I wasn’t practicing, I was still thinking about it constantly. Coming back has been harder for me than I’d realized because just thinking about aikido doesn’t help replacing doing it. I’ve been having trouble with remember exactly how to do some of the moves, (how to move my feet, my body, and/or my center,) and some people have pointed out that, “If you came to class more, maybe you wouldn’t have these problems.”
Which has been super discouraging.
I’m fairly certain that the various comments weren’t meant to be offensive or condemning, but I feel like I’ve been down for so long it’s hard knowing what’s what. It’s hard knowing if the slight ostracism is in my head, or if it’s really there. Tomorrow night is a big demonstration at the dojo, with friends and family invited, and I just can’t seem to get excited (in a positive way) about it. I know that I’m supposed to invite friends and family, but it’s a half-hearted thing on my part: I really don’t want to go. I don’t want to demonstrate, I don’t want to be watched; I just want to do my thing and be left alone. That’s all I’ve wanted for as long as I can remember, and it’s even stronger now that I’ve been out of school.
And it’s hard emotionally: everyone is striving for perfection and everyone wants to get their moves down and have the demonstration go smoothly, and I just feel so hopeless about the whole thing. I generally don’t do well with stress, and I don’t really feel like doing extra practices (not when I’m so behind on art work and commissions) because I know that I either know the moves or I don’t (and I don’t, or, not as well as I should) and that two weeks of intensive practice isn’t going to help that. Not to mention my hand just kills after I’m done with practice after an hour, not to mention if I go two or three hours worth of practices. On the nights I’ve done two or more classes the damn thing keeps me up all night, just aching. Not even proper throbbing or hurting, just a constant discomfort.
Man, what a whine-festival I am. I hope I get more interesting when the Oklahomans come to town.