Meh

posted in: All The Growing Things | 0

Past couple of days were crazy productive!

I’m up to 30k in my nanowrimo, 5k of which I did yesterday! And the few days before that I think I was writing something like 3k or so a day, trying to catch up. I also managed to do a comic book page for All the Growing Things, and if we’re counting last week, (and I do!) I also managed to finish two pages for Era of Great Wonders!

But my productivity tends to come in waves, and I think I’m nearing the downward slope today. I managed to do very little work today – only four out of the five panels needed for tomorrow’s All the Growing Things (which will probably not post until next week. Sorry.)

I don’t know why this is; why it is I go through waves of meaningful and productive time spent working, and then times of just absolute struggle and “meh.” They don’t last terribly long, which is both a good and bad thing, depending on what side of the productivity wave I am on.

I’ve read some pretty depressing comments about nanowrimo, and I don’t know how I feel about them. I used to not really like nanowrimo, mostly because I would take it very serious, and struggle with putting words on a page. I still take writing seriously (which is why I tend to avoid it, because it turns out that stuff is work!) but I’ve started to really enjoy the whole nanowrimo process.

There is something freeing about knowing that you have a very simple little goal: put words on the page, and it doesn’t matter if they’re good. After a few hours of grinding, there is a euphoria that sets in, where you realize that if you write ALL the crap, that eventually you will run out of crap, and maybe you’ll write something worthwhile someday! I still have a lot of crap to write, but I feel like there’s a purpose to it, and that maybe with some heavy editing, it’ll be worthwhile. Or not. You never know.

And I promise you: I will never inflict what is happening in my scrivener document on any of you, at least, not without some serious editing, and even then I think I would need to find a couple of unbiased opinions first to make sure it’s readable. Or as unbiased as I’d be able to find. I think a lot of people are very nice to me because they like me, and don’t want to hurt my feelings. (I am, at very unexpected times, extremely sensitive; other times, not so much.)

It’s a “good” problem to have, but it is still and problem, and it does mean that I have a hard time believing any positive criticism given to me by friends – I find myself second guessing their motives more than actually listening to their words.

I know it’s a self-esteem thing, but I don’t really know what to do about it. It’s not a problem in that I still function, so that’s good at least. But I tend to sort of feel like the sloppy dumbass that the other artists take pity on. I always sort of imagine them humoring me and looking at my dumb drawings with a polite “Uh-huh… and that’s a cow? And the cow goes moo? Nono, it’s very nice… here, let me help you with that,” and then they wipe paint from my chin and tell me that maybe I shouldn’t eat that.

Like I said, it’s a “good” problem to have people be so supportive all the time. I just have some self-image problems.

Well, that and I find the imagery above pretty funny! I’ve not eaten paint, but I’ve come close a few times, and I can totally see someone walking into my studio and I freeze like a rabbit as a bit of phthalo blue slides down my lips and drips of my chin, and no one knows what to say. It’s a funny image!

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