I’m sort of at a lost right now. I’ve been working for a while, and I’m a bit ditzy now that I’m trying to relax and… not work? Whatever the word is that one uses to replace the phrase “not work.”
So I’d spent my weekend in Taos, and it was fun – Taos always is. I was able to check my list off of things I like to do in Taos, but I had to cram it all into just a little under a day and an evening.
I did realize (and I’ve known this for a while, but this time I really realized it) that I have some serious avoidance problems. I mean, I’ve always had them and I can usually work around or compensate for my flaws (which are many and varied) but I really realized I have a new one. (Well, “new” in that I’m aware of it. I can think of examples that are a decade of years old). I’ve known for a while that I have a tendency, when people come to visit my town, that I need a certain amount of warning so that I can get my brain into accepting that I’m going to be meeting meat-space people. I then spend about a day or two panicking about “Oh shit, what will we talk about?!” and then usually by day two or so, I’m so tired from the terror that I can meet with my friend, and be relatively normal.
I now know that I do the same thing when I visit other towns where my friends live. As I am wandering around their coffee and/or bookshops, I think, “Wow, I should have contacted So-and-so, and we could have hung out.” And then I panic, because: what if they don’t remember me? What if they do remember me and don’t really want to hang out? Dear heavens, if we do meet up, what will we talk about?!”
And then I tend to spend the vacation vacillating between guilt that I didn’t call, and shame that can’t quite seem to rectify things and make the call now that I’m there. It’s the same guilt/shame cycle that hits me when I’m invited to a friend’s house, and I tend to play it around in my head, panicking, wanting to go and be a normal person that hangs out with friends, and terror that I just can’t/won’t be able to do it.
I still have people I haven’t called back to give them the “I’m sorry, I’m a jerk and I can’t seem to leave my house these days” speech, and it’s been overdue by a few weeks (in the newest instance) and a few years (in some other instances.)
I do NOT know what the hell is wrong with me when it comes to this stuff, but I can say that when I find the whole week has gone by and I’ve not left the house once, I’m usually pretty secretly pleased with myself. Relieved, even. Which is another reason I try to go to aikido – it’s the one thing I can do that can (usually) get me out of the house. (Although, right now the dread about the “demonstration” is making it harder to go to classes.)
Anyways: yay self discovery, I guess? Also, I took some photos.
My mother in law, who did NOT want me to take a photo:
We had a great time listening to live music together.
I also took a photo my husband who took a nap while we were there. Doesn’t he look peaceful? Sometimes he just nods off (he works more than I do even!) and I am almost always torn between the desire to tuck a blanket over him, and the urge to throw a pillow at him and scream bloody murder just to see if I can get him to scream himself awake. I am a loving wife, but also a bit of a jerk at times.
John seems to put up with me regardless of my actions, which is a nice thing in a husband.